Working as a school counsellor with children who have experienced the bereavement of a loved one

Counselling can enable a child who has experienced a painful loss to feel safe to grieve. Be aware, a child’s age and developmental stages effect the child’s grief. Therefore, a child's past grief, can affect them in the present. Be mindful of respecting the child’s families religious and cultural beliefs.

Another consideration is the child’s relationship with their loved one. Every child will react differently, let them know how they feel is okay. Having a safe space with a trusted adult, reassuring them, and having a support network around them, all support them with the tools to cope. Life for a child after a loved one dies, can seem to be a mixture of ‘muddles, puddles, and sunshine.’ They will come in and out of the puddles.

Age and developmental stage considerations

Age 2 to 5yrs: Children use magical thinking and therefore they think of their loved ones as able to come back one day. They may experience developmental delays and become angry or withdrawn. Reading therapeutic books about loss, such as Badgers Parting Wish, also drawing pictures in a personalised memory book, will all encourage the child to talk, or draw, about how they feel.

Age 6 to 9yrs: Children understand the physical meaning of death and question what happens when someone dies. They think of death in a more concrete way and may feel fearful for other loved ones. Therefore, be reassuring with them and give them a safe space to talk through their fears and worries. Be mindful that they may experience emotional and educational regression. Creative interventions such as in the activities book, Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine can be especially therapeutic.

Age 10 to 11 yrs: Children’s understanding of the impact of bereavement deepens, as does the long-term impact on their lives. Their understanding of death is both concrete and abstract. They may feel anger and sadness, lonely and vulnerable. Be mindful of the impact on their emotional well-being.

Creative ways of treasuring their memories

My favourite activity ideas book is Muddles Puddles and Sunshine. It is an extremely helpful child’s creative ideas book around a child’s loss of a loved one. The child can choose from the activities, with the support of a trusted adult. If the child wishes to, they can add these to memory books and memory boxes.

Memory book and box ideas

Personalise a memory book with the child. They may wish to decorate the cover. Explore their emotional first aid creatively, it is okay to be sad, but what helps them when they are sad, adapt to the child and their age and stage. Encourage them to draw, write and talk about their favourite memories. Use active listening skills.

Photo to frame

Let them design their frames. Include a photo of their loved one, if this is not possible, they can draw a picture. They can use cardboard frames or photo cards, which, they can personalise.

Friendship bracelets

Making a friendship bracelet, encourages a child to explore their support network at home and in school. Make a friendship bracelet with the child, write down who supports them now, for them to keep. They can keep this in a keepsake envelope if they wish too.

Writing a letter

The child may wish to write a letter to their loved one, to tell them how they feel. They can keep this somewhere safe in an envelope. They can also decorate the envelope. They may want to write how they felt when their loved one died and anything they wish they had told their loved one, or to share their news.

Advice for parents & carers

Parents and carers may be concerned about talking to children, after the death of a loved one. However, talking about what has happened with the child, in an age-appropriate way, supports the child’s emotional well-being. It is always best to say their loved one has died. Being honest with them, helps their understanding.

Counsellor/Therapist Team

As part of the counsellor/therapist team in MAST and school based we support schools around loss and bereavement. Including supporting children one on one and in group work. We also advise and support parents, carers and staff around bereavement and loss, alongside the MAST team. The MAST team also offer training courses and supervision.

References:

Winstons Wish: a child’s grief

Author: Susan Varley: Badgers parting gift

Author: Diana Crossly: Muddles, puddles, and sunshine

Website: Winstons Wish (the charity for bereaved children) www.winstonswish.org

Written by Karen Hapgood, Counsellor