When someone we love dies
Insight

When someone we love dies

Kathy Taylor
by Kathy Taylor
Published on Dec 02, 2024
4 min read

Supporting children and young people to have a greater understanding and a healthier relationship with the inevitability of death.

Death could be considered the only certainty in life, yet we are notoriously bad at talking about it. “Kicked the bucket”; “met their maker”; “passed away” – are just some of the phrases we use in an attempt to avoid the truth.

Someone has died.

When it comes to talking to children, death is often considered a taboo subject. We want to protect them and shield them from what has happened, or might happen. But given that death is an inevitable occurrence might we be doing more harm than good, and if so, how can we rectify this.

Bringing death into life

We may come across death in everyday life more than we recognise. Some films suitable for children, deal with death well. ‘My Girl’, ‘Coco’ and ‘The Lion King’ can all give a way in to discuss the subject. In fact, ‘The Circle Of Life’ talked about in the latter provides some useful understanding: a dead insect; an unfortunate wild animal or bird that has collided with a vehicle; or maybe the death of a family pet. All are opportunities for a commentary and conversation on what might have happened, and a way to acknowledge that death is part of life.

Answering difficult questions

A child usually gains an awareness and understands the concept that death is final by around seven years old. At this time, or possibly when their lives are directly touched by a bereavement, they may ask questions. It’s important to answer these gently, but with honesty.

“Are you going to die too?” - explain that whilst everyone dies one day, most people only die when they are much older.

“Am I going to die?” - a similar answer to the one above.

“Why do people die?” - explain that people might die because their body has slowed down or stopped working, but once again this is usually when we are much older and sometimes Doctors can give us medicine to improve this. Mentioning that sometimes, accidents may happen, and that this can very occasionally lead to death is also relevant: as in these times, children are likely to see and hear things in the media.

Talking about it

Once a child or young person has experienced a close bereavement, family, friends and school staff may seek to avoid the subject for fear upsetting them. Reciprocally, children (and especially older young people) will avoid bringing the subject up at school or home, as they are fearful of breaking down, or upsetting a parent. This cycle can be very damaging. As Dyregrov explains:

“By excluding children, by hiding their reactions from children, or by shutting the children out from the adult world in other ways, adults can make worse a situation that is already difficult for children.” (Dyregrov, 2008, p 77).

Of course, there will be times when a conversation may not feel appropriate, and a child will make it obvious via body language or what they say, that they have no desire to talk at this time. However, often sharing memories and stories of the deceased can bring great comfort and a sense of unity. The knowledge that someone else knew and loved that person is often comforting. Silverman, Klass and Nickman’s model of Continuing Bonds disputes the expectation that when we cease to be, our connection with those who remain is lost. Instead, Continuing Bonds Theory radically challenges this and suggests that those left behind can still maintain an evolving relationship with the deceased, thus allowing them to: process unresolved situations; feel less overwhelmed by the pain; and learn to connect with their loved one in a different yet appropriate way.

Conclusion

The death of a loved one is without doubt one of the most difficult experiences that a child or young person can face. However, by introducing children to the realities of life at an earlier age, and being unafraid of difficult conversations, can reduce the trauma should it arise. If a bereavement occurs, then opening conversations and sharing memories is usually hugely beneficial. It is true that death ends a life, but not a relationship, therefore talking about someone we love who has died doesn’t remind us that they died: we know that already. It reminds us that they lived. And that can be extremely powerful.

Bibliography

Silverman, Klass and Nickman, (1996), Taylor & Francis.

Reference

Dyregrov, A, (2008), Grief in Children, Jessica Kingsley Publishers

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